Here’s a few things that I’ve advised Best Men in the past to avoid.
Best Men. Know their audience.
I know being a Best Man is a lot of work. However, don’t let the time and dedication it takes to organise the party of all parties for a best mate, deter you from having a word about the make-up of the reception. And I’m not referring to the application of mascara. Failure to do this may lead you to the idea that you’re going to be speaking to a gathering where no one is over thirty and intent on “getting on it”, only to be shocked to find that everyone’s grandparents are still alive and there are kids running all over the place. A palpable horror. Realising that the jokes you’ve written were for an audience appreciative of themes like: failed sexual adventure, substance abuse or criminality. But sat before you, smiling with expectation is an audience appreciative of themes like: common decency, moderation, good sense and Peppa Pig. The folded piece of paper, that if read would be considered a gateway to hell, remains firmly in your inside pocket. Emitting it’s evil while you improvise dreadfully and the assembled soon become appreciative of a theme like: hoping you’ll hurry up and get to the end for God’s sake.
A quick chat with anyone associated with the wedding day arrangements will ensure that come the big day, your speech is memorable – for the right reasons.
Best Man. Best Unsaid.
Don’t ever. EVER! Mention ex-girlfriends. Meanderings such as, “I’m so happy that Marty found Jane. Because if it wasn’t for her, there’s no way he would have gotten over Rebecca. Beautiful Rebecca, who took my friend’s heart and smashed it into a billion little pieces. He cried for months. “She was the one, she was the one” he sobbed. Well, clearly he was wrong because now he has Jane. Nice Jane” Who despite the forced smile; is not made up finding that out.
Seriously, don’t bring ex-girlfriends into it. Just don’t.
Best Men. Avoid coming across all sexist
Pointing and saying, “After this speech I’m hoping to receive my obligatory face-full-of-bridesmaid,” will earn you nothing but a nervous laugh, and the ire of billions of people when it’s tweeted, posted and put on YouTube. Agreed, that might sound like a heavily hyperbolised version of possible events, but over the last ten years of writing speeches, I’ve learned of all manner of madness. None of which is suitable for a wedding speech. Family members just don’t need to know that stuff.
It's 2022 not 1972.
Best Men. Avoid getting utterly mullered beforehand.
There’s no denying it, public speaking isn’t easy. It’s often regarded as being a fear greater than death. Although, from my own experience, dying, dying can’t be worse than dying on stage. Although, as painful as it is, it’s a death you get over and one that pushes you to try harder and onto better things. Unlike death, death. So it’s understandable to be nervous. However, turning the one drink you have to take the edge off, into the fifteenth that makes you dribble, will likely lead to a staged death that you never get over. You swaying, slurring, spilling drinks, trying to get naked and offering to fight the page boy, will be etched into the memory of everyone gathered and surface when future invitations are handed out.
Remember, one and done!
Best Men. Should avoid running on.
You’ve not been chosen to read War & Peace for a charity world record attempt. Just get in there with a solid 6 to 8 minutes set (longer if you have fancy things like PowerPoint or videos), crack everyone up and get out leaving them wanting more. It’s also worth bearing in mind that the audience might not have eaten. Go on too long and the angry growls sounding out aren’t only from stomachs. A hungry audience isn’t good. A starving audience is even worse. Not a single word you utter will find headspace, when food is dominating the audience’s mind. Not even a resurrected Richard Pryor, offering to do his first show since being dead, could interest them in laughing. And the longer you go on, the closer you get to dying and being eaten.
Get in, get out, and leave the audience wanting more.
Best Men. Avoid TOTALLY destroying their best mate.
You and your friends may demean each other for fun, but landing shots that are way below the belt will alienate an audience. After all, most of the assembled think the groom is a bit of a prat one way or another but make it too personal and he’s no longer the bit of a prat. He’s their son, their brother, their friend. Go below the line and you’ll end up with an audience who will feel sorry for him. And that’s the last thing you want them to do. Especially when you know what he’s gotten up to over the years.
If you wouldn’t say it in front of his Nan when you’re sharing biscuits and a brew, don’t say it when she’s sat at the reception, looking forward to some light-hearted ribbing of her much-adored Grandson.