Mercifully, heckling a Best Man at a wedding is rare but as the saying goes: there’s always one. You know the one. They’re the one who thinks they’re a right card, a character and that everyone should have the privilege of enjoying their uniquely irritating sense of humour. Add more than a few drinks to that and you’ve got someone who thinks their slurred barks are a fitting foil for you to riff off. If I’ve learned anything from my time on the circuit (apart from where the Cornish pasties live in nearly every motorway service station) is that when someone in your audience decides to send some gobshite your way, you must avoid getting angry. Losing your temper only feeds the idiot’s sense of self-importance and diminishes your standing in the eyes of the audience. So keep your cool, in fact, offer up a sympathetic smile, before you deliver a cutting put down. No doubt you’ve been in a comedy club and seen a comedian dismantle a rowdy audience member just by having a conversation with them. More often than not the heckler is plastered and has shouted something so spectacularly stupid all it takes is to point that out. Something someone with the power of a microphone can easily do. A wedding reception probably won’t be afforded you the time to converse with your gobshite or even have the luxury of a microphone. So what you’ll need is a nuclear line that once detonated puts the runaway mouth firmly in its place. The sort of line comedians seemingly employ with improvisational ease. Which is not the case. Not wanting to burst the bubble but all comedians have a prewritten arsenal of put-downs to reach for when required. So should the occasion get too much for someone in your audience and they feel the need to get involved, and being a generous sort, I thought I’d write a few for you my good readers. Enjoy.
“I thought you were going to wait for the dancing to embarrass yourself.”
“When I read the seating plan I was wondering who Moron was.”
“Hello, there’s someone who clearly needs help with cutting their food.”
(Refer to bride and groom) “I bet at least one of these didn’t want you at the day event. Now neither of them do.”
“The quicker I get to the end of this, the quicker you get to skid on your knees with other kids.”